Behind this smile

Behind this smile hides a lot of emotion
Emotions I cannot let lie and at times
Rise to the surface to be seen and heard
Emotions that are stuck in a great wall I've built can finally escape for that split second.
The illusion that my smiles shows is indeed indigent
But no one ever notices the falling.
Upon appearance, I am felicitous in life
But behind the smile a secret is buried deep, hiding, waiting to crawl its way out.
Feelings of negativity, no positivity
For positivity lost the bout.
Behind this smile I hold, is another person waiting to get out, crying for help but no one can hear.
The fear amounts to nothing as I think of the day that second being will break free and explain to the world what truths and secrets buried deep have left a mental scar around my soul.
Physical pain now feels like freedom, nothing more relaxing and pleasurable than wanting that second being to break free for that moment.
Physical pain is freedom because every slice I take of myself is letting a piece of that second me breathe.
Nothing compares to the internal pain I have! Thoughts scaring me and pulling me to pieces, as the immaterial part of me attempts to relieve me of my suffering; I'm infected by this great facade I have put on, not allowing the world to see me for me.
My pain will never be known, so I will forever hold my silence.

Never Felt

You give me this, hope and freedom
Freedom from nostalgia
Hope for a better me; with you
Things may not be perfect
but to me, what is perfect?
Perfect is when I look into your eyes and find comfort, strength and happiness.
No chimera or fools paradise
Perfect cannot be explained but you explain all the elements of perfect; for me
I've never felt this before, so,
this is new.

See now, then, the feeling of untold regret plays on my mind.
That same feeling that was so great, now feels so cold and painful, somehow wanting to forget all this and remember that you're not mine and I'm not yours and someone's for you and someone's for me.
Maybe, that is all I wanted; you.

I don't want to sound obsessed,
I'm not...
But we are made to be as one!
You know me and I know you!
But I want you and you don't want me.
Maybe someday our souls will twine
When our futures unwind and lay down a path for us to follow and meet again

As of now I have never felt the feeling of wanting someone
wanting to make them feel the way you imagine, the sweet taste of wanting

The feeling is not mutual but it is shared in a different light; friendship.
Broken and weightless is how I feel.
I pour and you drink and tell me the sweet taste of platonic
Friendship, those six letters that I longed not to hear have appeared...
Those remaining four letters that I wanted on the end of another eight letters have disappeared
Now I have the feelings I have felt, so indeed I had the feeling I never felt, but that was short lived in a world where I was born alone and will die alone..loneliness is the feeling, I have always felt

My mind

My mind is a hard place to decipher
Neither you, nor I, can understand what goes on in my mind.
My mind is a creative temple, with sights so unvisionable, close your eyes and forever be blinded to the peace in my mind, the sheer emotiveness of these thoughts, I'm almost reliving things that haven't happened yet.
I died in 1990
I'm just revisiting my memories
Memories so clear and concise I can feel every thought with thorough detail as if touching water.
I know who you are in 10 years time
Backwards in time is where I am.
Deja vu is an everlasting occurrence
Everything I do, send images of flash, forward in time.
My mind is not so complex, I only set pace to my own lonely paradise, where I envisage a place so close but yet so far, but only a matter of seconds away. Time does not fly in my mind
I am still relaxing in that lonely paradise
with just me and my thoughts
Lost in a boxed dimension,
The imagination that roams freely is my spirit
Painting happiness upon every touched soul.
This is my mind.
where only I am my enemy!

This is entitled: Understanding/feeling/a person

Understanding things is not as easy as some would like to think. Being able to understand yourself is also another thing that is hard to do.

Well, with me, I tend to question myself and try to understand why I'm feeling the way I am, because it is hard sometimes to know if your feeling the right things or if your mind just wants you to feel that certain way.

But anyway let me start...I'm gonna freestyle this lol

Why when I'm with you I feel the way I do? 

That turn in my stomach, What is that?

That feeling that feels so good but then weird at the same time?

I have sheer anticipation when about to see you again,

as if I didn't see you the day before.

Why does your smile make me so warm inside?

Oh, and not to mention happy and worriless?

Why does your smile bring out my own, without you trying?

Why when I hold you I forget everything else 

and remember only you?

Why does your character leave me so intrigued and wondrous 

as to how I found you? 

Why when I look into your eyes, brown and bold, I am lost with Innumerable thoughts?

Thoughts of everything being alright, everything being great.

Why when I look into your eyes I see your soul and your every feeling?

Why does your touch cleanse me?

Why does your touch release all my pain?

Why when you touch me thoughts as soft as velvet flow through my mind like a river of happiness?

Why does your presence make my heart race and pound?

Why does your presence leave me unable to question the feelings I have?

Why do I long for your voice first thing and last thing in a day?

Why do I feel like this?

To be fair I've never felt like this, 

So I don't understand this, 

I can only question this.....

Sorry I haven't been posting anything up recently. I've been mad busy, but I'm back!

Sorry I haven't been posting anything up recently. I've been mad busy, but I'm back!

Hope you lot ain't missed me too much!

Friendship

Strong, Bold, Understanding, Helpful
those are some of the characteristics I base friendship on.
Friendship is a gift, a present
it shouldn't be taken for granted
it should be real, not fake
who are our friends?
Don't use that word lightly.
Friends are forever and so they should be
other type of friends don't always last
'Boyfriend' 'Girlfriend'
We should cherish this bond we have called 'friendship'
How much do they mean to you?
Let them know..
But know this, a real friend will never GO!